Warning: This is gonna be one hell of a long post and I'm not in the mood to proof read this and check my grammar and spelling so yeah kayo na mag adjust.
Here it goes....
We all have our fair share of struggles and we also have our demons to fight with every single day. It's not easy, some days are better than the others and while some could handle it pretty well, there are others who try to run and escape. So, let me tell you a story about a struggling young girl.
There's this girl and I've known her for a solid 22 years now, she's young, well-loved and it's almost safe to say that she's living a quite fancy life: with her pretty clothes, gadgets, a big room where she could relax any time of any day and it's a bonus that she graduated from a good university, yep, she's a very lucky girl, but here's the catch, she's empty inside.
She wakes up every morning with heaviness in her heart, randomly breaksdown in the middle of the day and won't sleep 'til dawn...or sometimes she doesn't even sleep at all. Well, can you blame her for not wanting to fall asleep when every time she does, all she's having are nightmares?
She's unsure about everything. One day she's motivated and has her shit together like she could do everything including moving a mountain, and the next day her world is falling apart and don't even have the will to live. It's exhausting, she's tired.
It's like she has no control over her own mind and body, she feels like someone's controlling her and like she's a fcking robot or a stupid doll. She's living inside a box that no one could ever open, it's locked together with her dreams and her will to go on.
She feels like a prisoner, like she has no freedom to be her own person, it's suffocating, she can't breathe. There are times when she wants to go out and have fun but she's not allowed to do so, so she just locked herself up in her room and cry about it.
Her emotions are all over the place, her thoughts are clouded and her mind is somewhere else. It's like being high but not taking any drugs. She's dragging herself and forcing her body to move just to get through the day. She's always forcing a laugh or faking a smile, so she won't breakdown in the middle of a conversation. Cos for her it's kinda embarrassing to just randomly cry.
She's hopeless, she sometimes sits in her bathroom floor just to cry and ask herself over and over again, if her life is still worth fighting for and she always ends up not getting any answer. She will laugh about it afterwards and tell herself she's okay and that she's just over reacting.
She has scars on her wrist that would serve as a daily reminder of how dumb she is for wanting to end her own life. Yes, it may fade someday, but she sure would never forget the scar it left in her family's heart. As much as the young girl wanted to stop thinking about doing it again, she's having a hard time because she'd rather feel physical pain than deal with all the emotional chaos. But, she's trying her best to fight the urge. I know she is.
No one knows what she really feels, no one could fully understand, cos how could they? when she herself can't even explain it.
So she finally asked for help.
Attending a psychotherapy every two weeks, where she talks about everything that bothers her to a random stranger, popping two different pills twice every single day and praying every night, begging God to stop pain. But, I don't think that's working for her cos she's still in that hell hole that she is for a long time now, and the saddest part is, I can't do anything for her. I can't stop her pain.
Her family's supporting her, they are her strongest support system. Her friends are doing their best to be with her as much as possible, but as much as she appreciates their love and support, the young girl know she needs to learn how to love herself....alone.
But, how could she? when she doesn't even know who she is anymore? She's not the same girl she used to be. It's safe to say that she had lost herself in the middle of finding her path and who she really want to become, she's lost somewhere trying to figure out her way back, but could she really come back? Does she really want to be back?
I know she's trying really hard to fight and win this battle and I appreciate her for that. People may not see it, but, I know she is doing the best she could. I believe in her and that's all that matters. All she needs is someone to believe in her and trust that she's doing it step by step: baby steps.
She's been through a lot and nobody could even see it, cos how could they when all they see is the spoiled little princess that she is.
But, I'm still hoping that one day she'll get through this and someday she will be able to see the beauty of life again and the true meaning of happiness. I hope that one day she'll be okay again and I hope it's soon.
She'll be okay, I know she will. She's a brave girl, she will get through this.
I will end this post here but Her story's not ending yet, no, not anytime soon, she will continue to live and make more stories and memories and I will continue to tell her story. My story.
