Quarantine day....who's still counting? Lol.
It's been two months since the last time I felt normal, last time I felt...okay.
I hate being locked down, I hate not having the freedom to explore and do things that I wanna do, but hey, if staying at home and obeying the guidelines mean keeping my family safe, then I'm in. I'll stay at home for as long as needed.
But you can't blame me for wanting to scream and get mad.
I'm allowed to feel anxious and unmotivated because my feelings are valid.
I've been feeling anxious and depressed for quite some time now, everyday gets a little harder, the more time I have to stay home the more anxious I become. There were nights when I can't sleep and all I could ever think about is my future, my career and what's gonna happen to the world.
When will this pandemic end?
No one knows except God.
Thinking about my future and career are just two of the many things that bothers me every night. What will happen to me after this? Will it be safe to apply and pursue my dream now? I don't know, because to be honest as much as I want to earn again, I'm afraid of catching the virus. I don't think it's safe to choose money over health in this kind of situation. I'm considering applying to work from home, but I'm still thinking and looking for the perfect job.
Another thing that I'm stressing over is the wedding planning. Patrick and I haven't seen each other for almost 3 months now, but that's okay because if you're gonna ask me I don't want him to risk and disobey the government's guidelines just to be with me. We could see each other when all of this shtness is over.
What stresses me about the wedding planning is that we're torn whether to push it on the original date next year (2021) or move it to another year (2022) just to be sure and safe. It's also hard to plan when we can't talk to the suppliers personally, we can't go to our church to have the interview and we can't even start on our government documents.
Lastly, I'm honestly bothered and mad on how the government handle this pandemic situation. They keep on releasing half-baked or even worse, raw guidelines. I just don't get the logic of their every decision, you can't blame the people for asking too many questions and wanting to have a solid answer, our lives are deeply affected by their every move so it's just fair to demand for a better service. We need answers and clear guidelines so we know where to start fixing our lives.
SO....with everything that's happening I'm quite stressed and my anxiety level is now causing me to fall deep into depression and I can't have that now, I can't fall back to where I started that's why I decided to channel my emotions into something productive cos yah girl gained a lot of weight this quarantine period lol. I've been stress eating and I'm not taking any meds to calm me down. Quitting cold turkey was one of the worst decision ever lol
The anxiety and fear that I've been feeling lately has become my worst enemy, it affects my mood and how I respond to people's decisions and reactions that's why I decided to work out almost every day for 40 minutes just to release all the anger and frustration. I do full body workout, arm work out, two ab/belly workout and Yoga. I'm not really sure if the effects are now visible to my body but it definitely helped me to survive every night.
Somehow I forgot all my worries and fears as I feel my body move and as my sweat drip down to my body. I feel like I can't think of anything but finishing the workout and how good it will do to my body in the near future. The pain and my sore muscle are the things that keep me motivated because it numbs my mind and stops me from overthinking.
I hate working out and sweating a lot but I guess people change and you just need to push yourself to learn how to love things that are good for you. Working out for 40 mins helped me in controlling my emotions and somehow boost my daily mood.
I usually workout one in the morning and another in the afternoon and yoga before going to bed. Yoga helps me calm my mind and breathe properly, it also helps on taming down my wild thoughts and ease my anxiety.
We all need to find something that could help us survive and cope up to this unpleasant happenings. We all have different coping mechanism and I guess sweating my body out and stretching my muscles do the work for me.
We can't control what's happening to the world but we can control how our mind, body and soul reacts to it.
